Dear Gays. And Brian.
Here we are again. I think I’ll just address everything rather than pick out people.
What the hell is going on with all of you? Seriously? When did all of this bitchiness happen? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Speaking for myself, I always like to think of myself as the nice guy and a shoulder to lean on; my friends mean everything to me and I’d never turned down anyone who needs a talking-to or advice or just someone to vent to. However, I’m noticing more and more that nobody else echoes my sort of sentiments.
I am no where near perfect. I am incredibly flawed and broken in places but I do alright for myself. But the one thing I do not like to be is negative. Like most gay men, I have a bitchy moment here and there and I get pissed off, but I don’t ever run my mouth where inappropriate; I handle things by going to an individual directly and nipping things in the bud before it gets out of control. I would never make an open negative comment about anyone my friends might date, what they look like, or give a very forward negative opinion based on something that isn’t really any of my business.
I make my own decisions and I stand by them. Some of them aren’t for the best but I learn from mistakes when they occur. I don’t need to be babied or told:
“Don’t do this, I think it’s wrong.”
That previous statement is something that people do too much of. They give their two cents when it isn’t asked for, when they aren’t involved in my life or they THINK they can comprehend a situation by filling in gaps and holes for themselves. I give my opinion PLENTY on things my friends have to say, but when it’s warranted or wanted.
Moving forward from there, I am sick of having my best friend walked all over. It’s hurtful for multiple reasons. LET’S TALK MKAY?
Growing up, I was awkward and socially exiled throughout all of grade school and a majority of high school and even freshman year at UD. I didn’t have any REAL friends and I was a loner. I got ditched when it came to parties and (at the time) girls and I was lonely.
Enter late August 2010. Brian enters my life. And everything changed.
Yes, Brian and I have run the gamut on our friendship and had high highs and low lows, but we stick together because he is everything I could want in another human individual to understand and comprehend me.
Let’s spill the T.
Brian doesn’t pressure me. He listens. He reacts. He responds. He takes initiative. He will text me, and I don’t always initiate the conversations we have. He is intelligent, he has a good head on his shoulders, and he has indeed learned from past mistakes. Brian is the guy that will my best man at my wedding. I will know him the rest of my life, regardless of time or place or distance. Brian also loves me for every flaw and every fuck up and every success and brilliant moment I have; he accepts me and loves me unconditionally and THAT is why he is my best friend.
I am incredibly defensive of him BECAUSE of that bond. It’s like if you were to try and separate peanut butter and jelly from being an amazing sandwich; it won’t happen in my book. We are Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha Jones. Deal with it.
I hate that the two guys that he has or had in his life, at least romantically involved with him, have screwed him over in every way possible. And I love both of them to death. And they know it.
LET’S SPILL MORE TEA.
One of you came into the picture a couple of months ago and I absolutely adore you tbh. As a fellow Britney fan, you’re fun and outgoing and personable and you and I have the same idea of a future career and we got along great and my best friend seemed happy.
*FAST FORWARD TO LAST WEEK*
YOU. DO. NOT. TELL. SOMEONE. WHAT. YOU. TOLD. HIM. GOOD. GOD.
The lines of sex and love can become incredibly skewed and I do not give a rainbow flying fuck about what excuses you spewed out to him, that was fucked up and he may accept some apology, but I don’t. That’s rude and inconsiderate and incredibly selfish; last I checked, relationships were about two people, not just your sorry ass. You do not know what you want and you screwed him over just to be comfortable with yourself. I may like you, but you don’t do that to someone. So you can sit and spin on something hard and sandpapery. Bye.
AND NOW. THE BIG ONE. WHERE TO FRACKING START.
When you entered the picture over a year ago, Brian seemed so happy.
And then things happened. You broke up.
We hooked up. *insert awkward pause here*
We pissed him off.
He dated a rat (the tumble post about THIS fucker would take years to write. I can’t.)
He went away for awhile, and it was the saddest I have ever been. Ever.
…but then he came back. Single. Free. My BriBri. My best fran.
and you two have been back and forth like a fucking bisexual boy unsure of whether or not to hit “Post” on Craigslist’s men for men section.
I have played a part in your relationship, and I seriously wonder what in the fuck goes on in those two brains you both have. However, I am here for the ride and I’ll get off when the ride stops. But this ride has gone on for a long time and I am feeling sick. Literally.
You are an amazing guy and Brian truly loves you. However, in my opinion, you do not know what you want. Based upon everything you and I have talked about and said to each other and what Brian has passed on to me, you are clueless as to what you want in terms of matters of the heart.
Do you want to fall in love? Or do you want to be a whore? The two super-complexes of the gay mind clash yet again and you won’t be the last victim of said clash. However, you have to remember that there is another heart in the picture: Brian. Based on the back and forth, I know you love him. And I know he loves you too. But all of this dumbass bullshit has gotten in the way.
Fuck what people say or think. It’s what you feel. It’s that indescribable pull of nature and yearning and want and that feeling in your chest when you see that person and how YOU feel that matters. Friends will give that annoying two cents I mentioned, but what truly matters is how YOU feel. True friends will understand and always be there and support you, and all others can fuck off.
But the way things have been handled is what I equate to how Adele held her Grammy’s for the press after her big wins this year: gorl, you need to get your shit together.
China is a huge deal. And he would never stand in the way of your dreams. However, you haven’t established what will happen or could happen or what you want to happen over the next couple of months. Tick tock tick tock, graduation is on the clock and that bitch is COMING FOR WIGS SOON.
I know you know what you want. I know it. I feel it. I see it. I just know it. And don’t lie to me, I can see right through that shit. I’ve called you on it before and I was right; I think I’m batting 1000 on this.
TO EVERYONE: whenever someone says “I don’t know what I want” I think that is absolute shit. You know what you want; you’re scared of the choice and potential consequences or repercussions.
Bottom line: stop hurting yourself, because this new choice is EXACTLY what will hurt you in the long run. Don’t fuck him over. Don’t fuck YOURSELF over. Like…look at your choices. Look at what is happening. Are you happy with that? Are you okay that you’re hurting him? And, most likely, hurting yourself? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER CAROL. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO WATCH THIS TRAIN DERAIL AGAIN.
I don’t know what you two are going to do, but I hate this. I hate watching Brian get fucked over and I hate watching you be unsure of what to do and backtrack and all of it. I hate all of it between you two.
And finally, I find it ironic that in all of this rambling, the thing lost is love. There is so much love in this post, so much angst and feeling, but it’s lost on the drama and the petty things. All I need and want is love.
I know for the rest of my life, I have Brian. And so far, I am content with that.